i dont wanna go back to the depressed me.

i wonder.. isit really me feeling inferior over my outer layer.. or isit you pressuring me to feel inferior and useless, cause i cant live up to your expectations.

where the fuck were you when i needed you? ohya.. watching opera in china? what the fuck did you do to make everyone at school treat me like im abnormal? no fucking idea.. still clueless.

you were the one that made me become what i was from before. did you know how hard i tried to change my mindset? did you know how much it took me to think positively at times? NO. you dont. cause you never cared. you never bothered if i was trying. you just make assumptions and drive to conclusions.

i really feel like crying.. but tears wont fall;i have cried too much that i’ve run out of tears. dried up. — if i could.. i wouldve cried myself a river and drown myself in it.

sometimes im envious of others.. when they have problems, they tend to like letting out their anger at me (lucky me?). i endure all those shit, cause i know how they feel. i like listening to what they have to say, to make myself believe that my life might be much better then others. (but is this true?) –
tbh.. im getting sick of it. NONE of you assholes know how lucky you are. some have friends that care so much for them.. some have families that stand by them no matter what.. some have whatever they want but they dont treasure it. just a little bit of quarrel and you whine like a baby saying no one cares? FUCK YOU. if no one cared about you, would i even bother listening to all your crap? my life isnt all that perfect. i might be like a clown, never serious.. always trying to make people laugh. but do you know how miserable i am inside? i hide all that — cause i know i might be more bliss then some other people.

you have me to nag at.. but who do i have? yea.. this pathetic blog.

you might die tomorrow or the day after.. no one knows what happens after death.. you might be in a happier place, you might not exist anymore, you might be in heaven or hell.. who knows? but who cares? if you think about the people that is still alive and mourning for the loss of you. might change their life so much. though their lives carry on sooner or later, they might or might not remember you after.. but imagine how much sorrows they go thru during that period of time?

you whine about no one cares about you.. but did you ever cared about others?

i hate people to run away cause they dont have the guts to face up to it. you screwed it up. you bare the responsibilities after. you dont? then your better off dead.

your messed up love afair. stuff it. your so called family problems. stuff it. your ridiculous inferiority. stuff it. your stupid low self esteem crap. stuff it. STUFF ALL THAT SHIT.

im a very useless person. i might be contradicting myself in alot of things i say.. correction, not might.. I AM.

i hate myself for doing and saying things i claim to hate. — good for nothing.

it seems that we have loss all cominucations (if it ever existed). you dont even bother to say it to my face anymore. you simply just send over some “wonderful” SMS’es. is that how mother and daughter co-exist together? if it is.. i dont want to be part of it.

all this crap.. it really hurts.. first you make yourself sound so low.. next you make me/us feel so useless. then you tell me how great you are. all your trying to say is we are the spoilers of your life right? we are to be blamed right? …………. didnt we talk about it before? i thought its all over after so much talk? short term memory lost? or jiejie’s right? it can never change.. no matter how much we say.. no matter how much we open our hearts to you.. you just think of us as a burdan.. people thats screwing up your life? dont forget though.. your the one that bought us to this cruel world.. i didnt have a choice.. i would gladly end it now if it makes you happy.. just need to say it. since you think that we owe you so much, i guess thats the only way i can do to pay you back?

i dont wanna talk..
i dont wanna listen..
i dont wanna think..
i wanna stay in my imaginary land.. thinking everythings so perfect.. and that im the luckiest kid around..
i wanna decieve myself forever..
i wanna run as far away as i can..
i wanna stay in a world that rules were created by me..
i wanna go to a place where nothing exist..
i wanna think of things i wanna think not the things that i have to think cause i was forced to hear..
i wanna hide myself from this cruel reality.. im too weak to face up to it..
i wanna stand strong but i cant.. im losing myself.. im not myself anymore.. i dont want to be me anymore..
you changed me, they changed me, mostly.. i influence myself to change..
someone save me.. for i am lost.. lost in myself. can someone take me away? bring me to somewhere, where sadness doesnt exist? tell me what happiness is? cause i never had that feeling.

maybe tigger (friend in lineage) is right.. alcohol makes you forget.
not forever.. but at least for a period of time you dont think cause your too drunked to think.. and when you awaken you will be too busy to think cause the hang over hurts so much you can only feel pain physicially not mentally.
why did i even bother telling him not to drink? i should just do what he does.

there goes my contradiction again? lol.. im messing up my own theories.. i guess its hard to live in theories? cause.. its life.. if its so simple.. then it wouldnt be so complex.. haha there goes more contradiction!! before i mess up my own brain.. im gonna stop!! i dont want to.. but i have to eh? haha.. im tripping!!

i never admitted to the things i wanted. cause i dont believe in the things i craved. its simple cause it doesnt exist. i dont want to believe in the things i believe, cause im afraid to get hurt. why take something you know you cant have? why does those that have it.. take it for granted?

karma will get you in the end.. wouldnt it?

16 years of lies.. when will it end? all i’ve been doing is living as someones puppet.

STUFF ALL YOUR CRAP.. IM NOT GONNA LISTEN NO MORE. YOUR DRIVING ME CRAZY. IT PENATRATES.. I WONT AND CANT ENDURE IT ANY LONGER. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

all said and done.. ends up back at one.. trapped.

Compare me from the past.. I think I’ve changed a hell LOT. I used to be so low self esteem, no one could tolerate it. well.. now, still no one can tolerate it.. but not cause im inferior, its cause im too self obsessed. LOL. XD nothing new eh? lalalala

the things i said in the past, makes people worry that the very next day they might have to visit me in my coffin. (PINK COFFIN FTW! XD) haha! Im not saying my deathwish have suddenly faded.. IT NEVER WILL XD. but, people around me can feel safe they will see me in one piece the next time they meet me. =x.

I remembered when I would all of a sudden cry. everyone was frighten of me that includes Miss Lim Ying Rui Relfy! =x
my teacher thought i was crazy.. and sent me to see a psychologist O.O woot.. thats one hell of a funny moment of my life!

Alot of things happened during that short period of time in high school. which most people that knows me well enough should know clearly. the hypocrites that hurt me.. the backstabbers that stab me.. the friends that betrayed me.. the sister that chased me with a knife.. the family that didnt give a damn.. the parent that was busy in hongkong watching opera.. etc etc.. these are memories i will never forget.

I have my reasons for my endless amount of theories. and mostly are facts that people agrees but refuse to admit. then again.. if they think like me or accept my ways, i guess thats the end of the human-kind? haha.
I might not have experience most stuff myself, but i have eyes to observe! and i guess its also influence from the many consullors i’ve been forced to talk with. wait a sec! you must be thinking im tripping eh? shouldnt those talks be a more positive thing? ahuhz it was.. but.. i rox! i made them contradict themself till they gave up. damn.. those so called professionals gonna lose their job if there were more people like me! cant tell me things i already know, just that i look at it in a different view! ahuhz! the vampy.. i mean human instinct is a very power thing! use it wisely! =X

Someone got me thinking about all this crap once again. (yes yes -_- i tend to yap yap alot about this.. shhs and lemme finish my story x.x) my privacy to not mention the name of that someone!~ so dont ask o.O..
though it was a complete different type of sadness but its still sadness anyway -_-! one is relationship problem another is inferiority? Oo.

(PS: the “you” doesnt point to any particular person.)
I seriously did get quite pissed off at most of what this person said. i really cannot endure this sort of stuff. “THE ONE” and next you talk about another “ONE”.. totally contradicted yourself! you dont actually like that person, do you? if love does exist.. there can only be space for one. not one and then another ONE. i seriously hate people that cant make up their mind on stupid love-afair stuff. the human heart is so fragile and shouldnt be played with. dont say ”i love you” when you really dont. if the other party takes it seriously.. wouldnt you have hurt him/her?

somethings needless to say.. you should know the answer.. but you really just dont wanna admit the facts right? why would friendship be broken? why would they bother to quarrel with you if they are not really your friends? you obviously know your doings are wrong thats why your afraid to face them, yea? but still you refuse to face reality? running away.. how long can you run?

time to look for an accountant!~ (ohh thats me! XD) calculate the pros and cons of this relationship.. outcome = nothing. empty. zero. nah uh!~ conclusion. not worth it. so why hurt yourself, make urself miserable. upset people that really cares. for someone that you assume, concerns about you.. but maybe not. stop making assumptions! self proclaimed facts? GET REAL! cause its all fiction.

your story isnt new to me. i know people that are more messed up.

im juz a nosy outsider ahuhz O.o

its not only this one person that pisses me off.. its the endless amount of guys and girls out there that crap so much about all this shit. i dont give a damn about this crap! stop stuffing it into my brain. i might.. fine definately get curious and tempted to know the story.. but my brain get pisses off after it update and analyse all the details! then it will just add on more hatred and anger! vampy might become demonic rather then angelic soon! argh! i mean like why even make me curious?!

curiousity killed the cat, and im the cat.

AHUH. IM A BLARDY HYPOCRITE. SEE I ADMIT IT. SCREW YOU ALL. ASSHOLES!!!!

GUESS WHAT? I QUIT. WAIT.. THAT DOESNT REALLY MATTER RIGHT?? SINCE IM A HYPOCRITE YEA?? FUCK OFF.

the shop next to onyi’s working place (full house) at fareast is dirty!! that shop we always eat that potato thingy! is DIRTY!

when shoppping with my sis last week. bought afew tops and a skirt. we were hungry so decided to eat tat potato thingy. while waiting for the food. i went next door to disturb onyi.. knew she would be there haha. after that wen back to wait for the food again.. then they suddenly throw out 2 boxes.. and suddenly LOTS of cockroach crawl out -_- so disgusting kk. i mean like eww.. who knows O.O maybe we are eating cockroaches hahaha XD. though i think its okay.. coz in certain countries they actually eat roaches? o.o;; as long as you dunno whats in it its okay ya. just wanted to disgust everyone that likes tat potato thingy O.o

kk me nonsensical already -_- bored to death.. lalalala XD

relfy was hospitalize! me so sad =’( see? study so much! over stress urself! make urself sick! end up only you suffer!! study is important. me know. but too much of anything is bad!!

i think my old grandmother story that day at the hospital already said enough.. no need for more on bloggy ya.. haha.. get well soon kk!!! learn ur lesson already rite? no want more needles to poke into you ya? no want more ewwy medicine yea? XD so.. no more stressing urself okie dokie? if you end up in the hospital again.. me will be beri beri sad!! and and me will also.. me will also… er… me will not talk to you no more! me .. mi noe fwend yew! nah uh! no no!

It’s raining.. but the sun’s shining.. and it’s so damn hot! I god damn “LOVE” Singapore’s weather!!! ….. NOT.