secrets? who doesnt have it.
i hate myself.
GET A GRIP OF YOURSELF.

go with the flow.
let nature takes its course.
–
ALL CRAP.
its true that what happens will happen.
cause’ i believe in fate.
when you do bad things, retribution appears.
karma gonna come running right after you.
oh shit. im contradicting myself. haha.
whats my point? — dont have one.
what im trying to say?
let go of it.
I CAN’T
easy said then done.

my babys going away.
FOREVER.
who took her? myself.

i cant sleep.
i feel numb.
then again.. my troubles seems so scarce.
why?
i feel for my babe.
shes lost.
alone.
and theres nothing i can do.
im not GOD
i wish i was.

delimmas comes one by one.
first my darling then my babe.
right before was my bros too.
LOVE whats that?
why must it hurt so much?
hold on a second there!
IT DOESNT EXIST!
what doesnt?
love..
does it?
im sorry..

imma’ gonna screw you with a knife BITCH!
STUFF YOU CREATOR OF EVERYTHING.
im sick of being a toy.
go ahead and take everything away from me.
from us.

who understands all this shit?
i dont, do you?
what do i know?
only this..
we are just insignificant puppets, to amuse the guy that made us.
can you hear his cunning laughter?
it penetrates within me..

bliss .. whats that?
how i feel! .. huh?
why? .. chocolate makes me happy!
does it make you happy? .. HOPE SO!

好幸福的感觉！
MY CHOCOLATE!

happy chinese new year everyone! XD

i knew this would happen evantually..
i know you were avoiding me
i know something was wrong
i dont even know if you bother reading my blog anymore.. i know you might not

i was right about what i assumed.

i know i’ve hurt you
i know i’ve done you harm
i know its my fault
i feel like killing myself right now
it kills me .. seeing the ”cant be friends anymore”
i’ve hidden this secret for so long.. 2 maybe 3years.. i cant even remember..
i didnt know why i would ever say it out..
but since i did.. maybe its time..
i didnt want to lie to you.. i dont want to lie to you
i thought friends should never keep secrets.. i know friends should never keep secrets

i finally felt relax after saying it out..
but my happiness made you upset didnt it?

no more secrets.
im gonna let you know everything..

do you remember.. me.. always saying.. dirty little secrets.. dirty little secrets..
those were the times where i hurt so much..
but i replace the words i want to say into.. “dirty little secrets”
cause.. i had one in me..
and cause i couldnt say it out..
all i could do was hint it..
my attitude changed towards you..
i dont even know why.. im sorry
i love you.. because of that..
i didnt want to ever hurt you..
but i did after all..

i really didnt want anything more
i really didnt say or do anything to spoil anything
just a smile from either of you
gave me a very bliss feeling
it made me happy
thats all i ever wanted.
im sorry for saying this..
do you know..
how painful it is..
to hear someone dearest to you..
talking about someone you like..
and you have to hear every word
i envious just even a picture you take with him
everytime we put down the phone after talking about it..
do you know how i have to drown myself to not think about it..
alcohol is bitter.. it really taste BAD..
but it helps to forget.
i slap myself always..
cause i was thinking of him..
im wrong.. i know.

i used someone else..
to mislead you/everyone into believing i like someone..
so no one would suspect i like him..
cause i know.. when we grow older..
its impossible for us not to like anyone..
and its just a matter of time before you suspect
but u didnt have to. cause of my guilt i said it all out..

i got greedy didnt i?
i wanted him to notice me.
i admit i went on diet cause of that.
and cause i was half way there..
i got even more greedy..
i wanted more.

onyi started realising my actions
i was suprised..
but cause of that..
she was the only one i could talk to
we had lotsa fun together
she make me forget about it.. till the chalet.. i guess..
i knew the moment we step in the chalet.. something was going to go wrong
onyi felt it too..
we telepathed? ha.
she understands me.
shes like an elder sis.. protecting me.. always protecting..
she taught me to not feel inferior.
she taught me to feel confident at all times.
i love and thank her for that.

theres so much on my mind
theres so much i wish to release
theres so much i have to say
i feel like screaming it all out
i feel like confessing my feelings
but then again i know it will get no where..
this secret.. wont last long, will it?
the main party will find out sooner or later..
but that doesnt really matter..
what really matters is..
you and me..
our friendship..
being friends forever..
as we promised.. didnt we?
can i be selfish this time?
can i use it to make you take back the words, “cant be friends anymore”
or rather can you pity me for my sufferings and forget about it.

even if you didnt want to talk to me ever..
even if you would avoid me forever..
to me.. you will always be my best friend..
as i said before.. i would take a bullet/knife for you anytime.
i still and always will.. be the same..
i cant lose you..
dont leave me behind.. that is my greatest fear..
dont neglect me.. that is my greatest suffering..
mushy words is not my style..
i cant believe i just wrote all this..
could any of it be offending??
could any of it mislead you??
i just want you to know..
i dont want to lose you.. as my bestest best friend forever.
im lost.. i dunno what else to say.. im sorry..

im sorry.. im so sorry… sorry………………….
words cant express whats deep inside.
others might not understand our relationship or whatever.
but i hope you do, i hope you do know.. whats on my mind.